Lack of Happiness

One of my new year’s resolutions is to be happy, but how can I achieve happiness if I am so depressed.

Oh yah forgot to tell you, I have been depressed for weeks now. I can't seem to bring myself to do anything, not even things I like to do (drawing,writing,making sweet music). I have no motivation, and my lack of participation at school is starting to show in my grades. I am a strong person; I would go for a run and listen to my favorite music. I used to kick depression in the ass, but this time it is not working. I am on the floor while depression is standing above me waving its arms in the air over its victory.

The past few weeks, I have felt as if my life has hit rock bottom. School sucks, home sucks, and overall my life is a mess. I just want to be happy, but I fail to succeed in that too. So I will just sleep it off; Sleep off my homework, sleep off school, sleep off my friends, sleep off my health, sleep off my life. All I want to do is sleep, it seems to be my reasoning with all my problems right now, and as soon as I wake up I want to sleep again. My dreams seem to be my only way of making me happy.

So then I started to eat less, and sleep more. I started to cut myself, and let the pain put me to sleep. I started to ignore the world, and dream...

Last year when I lived in CA, I had a homeroom teacher who would always tell us this "if your life is at rock bottom, the only way you can go is up." I have held on to that since. It is funny how little things like that stay in my brain while I can't remember the lecture we had in my AP History class a few days ago.

There were times when I utterly felt like dying. If I left now would anyone care? Would I be remembered?
No.
It would be another story in the newspaper to scare adults about their emotional teenagers. I would soon be forgotten and thrown away. I barley hangout with anyone, my friends are different people now, and we have all grown apart, but that is a different blog post to be ranted about later. Anyway I am getting off topic, back to my depression.

I needed motivation, something to inspire me to live again. And right at that moment I heard Steve Perry was going to DJ live for a radio station only for an hour on a Sunday. Now Steve Perry is my inspiration. His music had gotten me out of many depressed states before, and has influenced me to be happy again. Overall his music was perfection to me. So I thought it would be nice to listen to what kind of music he was into now. At this time I was still in my depressed state, but thank god I had the energy to tune into the radio station. Or I would have been in my depressed state still. Listening to Steve's chosen songs of the hour was nice, but out of all the songs there was on in particular that I liked, I have heard it before, but never really paid attention to it.

The song was called Seven Nation Army by The White Stripes.

It is weird how the brain seems to pay attention to things you need at a moment, because I needed that song.  I feel in love with the guitar licks going on, and played them on my guitar for hours. I could not get that song out of my head! A song can mean many things to people, and that is the wonderful thing about it. It is like magic, and any good song will contain a special meaning to a person.

I had my motivation back and I fell in love with a new band (well they are not new) but I do seem to love Jack White, ugh his guitar playing is amazing! Ok enough Reina with the fangirling. It is time for the big conclusion, the BAM. Hahahah yah right, all you are getting is a head-ake for having to read all this. Look depression sucks, and I am still recovering, but I will be back in black anytime soon. Ha see what I did there. No, ok never mind. I guess I will leave you with this:

 My life was at rock bottom, and right now I am gently floating to the surface so I can soon breathe. For now I am still holding my breath and making my way to the top. Being down at rock bottom was a personal hell, but also it was my salvation, my darkness and my light, my despair and hope, and for that I will never forget where I was, when I am where I want to be.